The Super Bowl is a sacred time when millions of Americans put aside their political differences to do one thing: watch a thrilling mass disabling event as one nation. And the disability community is here to welcome the newly disabled with open arms.
“To the incoming class of 2023, we want you to know that you are not alone. This might be a scary time for you,” said Brandon “Buzz” Powers in a live-streamed commencement address. “But remember that you will join the ranks of thousands of fellow football players who have smashed their heads against other people’s heads on a professional level. And you are welcome here!”
Powers is the elected spokesperson for all disabled people and serves as chair of the 2023 Welcoming Committee.
“The NFL and the disability community share a special and unique partnership. And you all are the lucky recipients. In exchange for your fame, time and talent which you provide to the National Football League, you are bestowed the great honor of brain damage.”
As the fans roared, Powers raised his voice. “Pay attention to my words. No, really. Those of you with new TBIs or CTE, your ability to concentrate may have been affected. It’s your new normal, but please, try to pay attention.”
He continued: “Yes, there will be haters who say that the NFL has actively known about the link between CTE and their sport since 1997, and study after study seems to confirm this. There’s also the 2017 settlement the NFL reached, which totaled over $1 billion in damages. And their own data showed that in the 2022-2023 season concussions rose by 18%, which signals that their ghoulish lust for money overshadows the health of the players for their $17 billion franchise … But don’t worry about that!”
Powers somberly concluded that “the children are the future. And I truly, deeply look forward to the next generation of football players … who, from an early age, are already destroying their bodies in the name of masculinity.”
Sunday’s big game is sponsored by Barbell Health Insurance, which plans to welcome the incoming class by immediately dropping them from their policies without notice.