Airline employees sprang into action today when they discovered that the airline was responsible for breaking disabled patron Heather Proctor’s wheelchair.
The employees were distraught and showed immediate remorse. As a result of the mistake, the airline employees responsible for the negligence swiftly implemented the strict protocol of patting Proctor on the shoulder multiple times and uttering the words “we’re sorry” in a tone as sincere as they could possibly muster.
“This is bullshit,” mumbled Proctor. “But to be honest, it’s about as much as I expected.”
“When we realized we had no protocol for what to do when we break a wheelchair, we knew something had to be done!” the company said in a statement several weeks after the policy’s rollout. “I mean, it’s obviously going to happen, but we need our patrons to know that we’re super-duper sorry whenever it does.”
“This is better than a couple of years ago,” conceded Proctor, “so good on them, I guess?” Proctor then needed a moment to sob before continuing her interview.
“Our public relations team sat down and proposed a variety of solutions including a shoulder shrug coupled with a ‘what are you gonna do?’ Other suggestions were a curt ‘whatever’ before turning one’s back to the patron, and the recitation of a statement that the airline is not responsible for any damaged property. The latter almost made it through, but we on the board of directors found it a bit insensitive, so we suggested an apology that sounded as sincere as we could make it.”
“There’s no way my insurance is going to cover this,” said Proctor. “But the airline has a policy now. So, fucking hooray!”
The company statement concluded:
“One of our more forward-thinking employees suggested the shoulder pat, and frankly we’re proud of that addition.”