Two years after dipping their toes into the world of BDSM, Callie Duquette and Alexa Reyes wanted to bring something new into the bedroom. They discussed several options, including upgraded restraints and nipple clamps, but landed on phone calls to multibillion-dollar pharmaceutical retailer CVS.
Duquette, the more masochistic of the pair, came up with the idea. She explained, “When it comes to punishment, there’s nothing like struggling to access your medication in a commercialized healthcare system. To paraphrase Rihanna, chains and whips excite me, but hearing that my refill is on backorder pushes me over the edge.”
Reyes also considered the experiment a resounding success. “I was skeptical at first, but I just love the suspense,” she said, licking her lips slowly. “Will the call last 15 minutes or six hours? How many times will Callie have to verify her date of birth? Will the line randomly disconnect, forcing her to start the whole process over? God, I get horny just thinking about it.”
Indeed, it seemed as though CVS’s grating hold music and constant static were designed to maximize human discomfort (or, in this case, arousal). The Squeaky Wheel also received reports of people getting lost in the twists and turns of the automated answering system, like the Minotaur doomed to wander the labyrinth for eternity.
When asked to comment on customers using their services for sexual pleasure, CVS representative and aspiring dominatrix Mary Poppingpills responded almost instantly. Her official statement read, “We work tirelessly to ensure that our pharmacy operations are as inefficient and unreliable as possible. It feels great to see that effort being appreciated, and we’re determined to keep innovating. Things can always be worse!”