TORONTO — A local church announced the miraculous healing of its disabled members at a prayer event last Saturday (as long as those members stopped sinning). Pastor Bob Johnson explained that his church’s goal is to heal churchgoers of their disability, chronic illness and off-key singing during worship services.
“Some members were complaining that the church isn’t accessible,” said Pastor Bob. “They were asking for unreasonable things like a ramp, virtual services and a scent-free policy. This didn’t sit right within my spirit. These accommodations might send the message that Jesus can’t actually heal people! I told the whiners that I would pray on it.”
The pastor reported hearing this message from God: “Disability is the result of sin! Prayer will cure everyone, you silly goose.” Pastor Bob thought a prayer event would be a perfect alternative to relying on worldly crutches like ramps (or literal crutches).
During the event, each disabled person asked God to forgive whatever naughty sin had caused their disability. The pastor then asked the group to shout in unison, “I am healed! Whoopee!”
Sandra Collins was one of the lucky attendees that day. When asked to comment, she hesitantly remarked, “Yes, I was healed. I don’t feel pain in my joints anymore. Woohoo …” When pressed further, she blurted, “OK, I only said that so I wouldn’t upset Pastor Bob! So I convinced myself that I was cured. But when I woke up the next morning, I couldn’t get out of bed. I don’t understand why they can’t offer hybrid services so I can attend church from home.”
We asked Pastor Bob to comment on Collins’s experience. “Well,” he said, frowning, “obviously Sandra is still living in sin. Why else would she have impure desires for virtual church?”
When asked if the whole congregation now sings in key, the pastor made a neutral face and uttered, “I guess some of our singers are still sinning too.”