Dear [insert patient name so they think we actually see them as a person lol],
Good news! We have determined that your symptoms do require an emergency appointment, so we have scheduled one for exactly two years from today. We hope this works for you, but to be honest we don’t really care THAT much. To reschedule your appointment, leave us a message at [insert incorrect phone number], and state your name, date of birth, and the reason that you’re being so difficult and annoying.
To get on the waiting list for an earlier appointment in case of cancellations, just give up. We don’t actually have a waiting list, it’s just fun for us to pretend sometimes. We’re just silly and quirky like that.
We recognize that you are already having severe symptoms, so if your health issues get worse in the meantime, let us know. We’ll be happy to do absolutely nothing, after putting you on hold for 48 hours.
If you have any insurance or financial related questions, please do not ask us. It’s too complicated and upsets us to have to think about it. We’re trying to reduce stress in our lives, because, as you may know, it’s very important to take care of your health. 🙂
You’re welcome.