Disability status has been tied to employment for centuries. When nineteenth-century laborers lost limbs in factory accidents, they were like, “Hey, I don’t know about doing this job stuff anymore,” and thus the foundation of employment-centric disability status was born.
A lot has changed since then (although less than we would have hoped), and so we at The Squeaky Wheel have decided which disabilities justify being unemployed and which are just fake excuses for your whiny little butt.
Quadriplegia – We’re starting off easy. Obviously quadriplegic people don’t want to work, and even if they did, that would mean workplaces would need to be wheelchair accessible and provide reasonable accommodations. It’s easier to just let the quads spend their youth in a nursing home than to provide them with the support they need to be an active member of their community. Next!
Blindness – This is a difficult one. One the one hand, technology has given the blind and low-vision communities countless ways to engage digitally, but on the other hand, how can they get to the office if they can’t see it? But at the end of the day, if Stevie Wonder could make millions playing the keys, your average blind guy can definitely make $15-an-hour doing some keyboard office job. Send ‘em to work!
Deafness – This is another tough one. If you can’t yell at an employee, how do you disrespect them and let them know they’re lesser than you? Being screamed at by someone who gets paid 5% more than you because their loyalty lies with someone who gets paid more than both of you combined is a fundamental part of the American labor experience. Plus, nobody wants to learn sign language, so d/Deaf folks, maybe you can work in your own community or find your own accessible ways to be screamed at?
Depression – Being depressed is actually a requirement in the American workforce. Get in line and get to work.
IBS – Absolutely not. Nobody wants you blowing up the workplace bathrooms. But don’t expect any actual empathy or disability benefits just because your tum-tum is sad-sad.
Autism – This depends. If you have the Microsoft Excel autism, we’d be happy to exploit you as a mid-level employee for your entire career while men with less brains and more rizz gradually climb the corporate ladder. But if you have the Steven-Universe and polycule autism? Please just stay home and let your family judge you for not knowing the facial cues and small-talk etiquette necessary to survive in white-collar hellscapes.
Other disabilities – All other disabilities are probably not real anyway. We know there’s an ever-growing workforce and an ever-shrinking job market, but if you can’t find a job by TOMORROW, you must just be a lazy little brat, just like the millions of other people in your exact situation.