Reports of a “woke mind virus” sweeping America’s youth were confirmed earlier today, with the CDC announcing it has identified a new strain of the 3L.0N infection, which is being called “ELON.”
“ELON is a new anthropomorphized and unseen aggressive variant of the viral infection previously known as ‘being kind,'” CDC spokesperson Emily Chocula said in a briefing. “He’s really just a little guy who seems to like and value people’s individuality in a way that’s contagious! He’s got a facial piercing to signal he’s cool, and he prefers hanging out around diverse social groups, especially ones where people of different races, religions, disabilities, sexualities and gender identities are cultivating a sense of mutual respect.”
Disabled and genderqueer fiber artist Kit Market, 33, said of ELON, “It’s so nice to be accepted for who I am whenever ELON is around! It’s like the cool dad — I mean, illness — that I never had growing up!”
Although initially thought to be isolated to young people, ELON has also been seen recently in older adults, with side effects varying from mild “waving hello to strangers” to activating a need for severely long reading lists full of works by diverse authors. Per the CDC, there are no plans to research a cure at this time.