A HOLE IN THE GROUND, New York — A recently deceased wheelchair user has spoken from beyond the grave about a new injustice hurled at her by the state’s notoriously stingy home care system.
Macy Henderson, 64, was minding her own business six feet under when she heard the distant voices of her grieving family members at their kitchen table.
Her adult son, Vinnie, and his wife, Kelly, were watching the evening news, which is usually just a televised trauma montage narrated by Lester Holt, when Henderson heard the distinct tone of Vinnie’s distressed voice.
As Vinnie and Kelly enjoyed casual reports of the planet descending into a fiery cloud of despair while they shared a KFC dinner, Vinnie remarked, “Wow, Mom would be rolling over in her grave.”
Henderson, who wasn’t kidding when she promised she would always watch over her son, agreed. But she cited one small problem: having cerebral palsy, she cannot roll over in her grave without the help of a personal care assistant.
A frazzled Henderson, who had been trying to share her horror about world affairs for months, encountered a familiar foe from her earthly life while seeking an outlet for her feelings.
When she etched out a ghostly message on the wall of her local Department of Social Services (DSS) office requesting care hours, she was met with immediate disdain from her former caseworker, who asked to be identified only as “Miss G.”
Said Miss G., “We don’t fund services in the afterlife, especially not for something as medically unnecessary as the equal opportunity to express despair. It’s a relief when these high needs consumers terminate their policies. If they continue to use resources post mortem, it will really strain the budget.”
Henderson was outraged with the department, adding that she even has a potential consumer-direction hire in mind.
“Sure, it’s a little nontraditional,” Henderson conceded. “But the goth teenager who lives next door to my old place would love a job in the graveyard. Besides, he really needs a few extra bucks.”
Henderson reports that, in case he doesn’t work out, she purposely chose a cemetery near the bus stop to improve her hiring prospects if posthumous needs arose. However, she emphasized that her options were few due to the $1500 value limit on burial plots for SSI recipients.
Henderson refuted her case manager’s budget concerns, insisting that one or two tortured rolls during the evening news would have minimal financial impact.
However, the news cycle has been so unrelentingly disturbing this month that she has considered applying for additional funding for use during the morning edition as well.
While Henderson is rightly dismayed by ongoing societal decay, she shared another motive in addition to her desire to weigh in on current events.
“Lying in one spot for eternity is getting old, and my ass hurts like hell,” she confessed.
“Is it possible to die of a pressure sore, twice?