Local artist Melissa Ryan was struggling through a hike in Golden, Colorado when she made a shocking discovery. After tripping over a rock, she unearthed a mysterious oil lamp dating back to the town’s mining era. A shimmering figure emerged from the lamp, performed a four-minute musical routine, and identified himself as the legendary Golden Genie.
“At first, when I saw a golden guy dancing in the air, I thought I was having another migraine with aura,” Ryan said. “When I realized he really was a magic genie, I forgot how bad my knees hurt and jumped for joy.”
The genie offered to grant Ryan any three wishes her heart desired. She easily decided on her first request: wishing for universal healthcare. The 19th-century genie quickly became overwhelmed by the idea of deductibles and medical debt and asked Ryan to workshop some more achievable asks.
“I know I said any wish her heart desires, but this is really above my pay grade,” the genie said. “I can do the standard flying powers or unlimited money, but this stuff would require centuries-old magic.”
After hours of negotiations, Ryan settled on her final requests: lifelong, automatic prescription refills, an always-full water bottle, and the perfect pair of compression socks.
“These are the most bummer wishes I’ve ever heard, and I was here during the Great Depression,” the genie said. “I almost offered to give her a fourth wish so she could ask for something more fun, like a unicorn or unlimited money.” Too disconcerted to think of any sneaky twists, he quickly granted the wishes and returned to his lamp.
Satisfied with some decent improvements to her daily life, Ryan chugged some ice-cold water and headed home. “That was cool, I guess,” Ryan said. “Now I get why my non-disabled friends like hiking so much.”