A 250-year-old disabled War of 1812 veteran and six-time Trump voter named Samuel Marshall was stunned to learn that his Social Security benefits had been revoked in recent DOGE cuts to the SSA.
A hard-of-hearing amputee, the Washington state dicentenarian told the Squeaky Wheel that he’s “shocked and disappointed” but doesn’t regret his vote.
“Yeah, he took my welfare, which sucks, but we finally have a president focused on what really matters: annexing Canada. Plus, at the end of the day, I’m happy he’s getting rid of woke DEI.”
But without welfare payments, Marshall may have to start working again. And in the absence of DEI policies that might benefit him as a disabled veteran, he may not be able to compete in this job market.
“It’ll definitely be tough,” he told one of our reporters, “given that I’m more than two centuries old and never learned how to turn on a computer.”
Despite this small setback, Marshall remains optimistic about the future.
“I learned that there are hundreds, even thousands, just like me, pushing 200 and receiving benefits. And hey, you might think that’s impossible given the SSA’s rigorous auditing process and high rate of accuracy. But I’m just so relieved to know that I’m not alone — later tonight, in fact, I’m meeting a beautiful World War I nurse for coffee.”
When asked what his plans are in an uncertain future, Marshall just shrugged.
“Not sure. But I can find a job somewhere. After all, in a few years I’ll finally be old enough to run for congress.”