OKEECHOBEE, Fla. — Today marked the grand reopening celebration of Slip, Drip, and Rip Mega Extreme Fun Xtravaganza Waterslide Adventure Park™, after a three-month closure caused by [REDACTED]. We’ve never seen a [REDACTED] like what happened after [REDACTED], so no wonder [REDACTED]. But that [REDACTED] is behind us (just like that man’s [REDACTED] after [REDACTED]).
Residents of the Florida city were apathetic and had little interest in the ceremony, until SDRMEFXWAP™’s founder, Chase Michaels, was presented with an unexpected honor from Okeechobee’s mayor: the Pioneer in Water Park Accessibility Award. The ceremony drew thousands, and our team got to listen to Michaels’ acceptance speech live. Here are the highlights.
“I’m just like all of you — except when I see a problem, I find a solution.” Michaels beamed. “EVERYONE deserves to ride down a water slide, even those who might need assistance getting there. Because of our, um, brief hiatus, we came upon an unexpected extra supply of already-built slides that weren’t being used. Besides the few missing screws here and there, the unsound structural integrity and the rust, these slides were in perfect condition. Our park couldn’t afford a ramp because we had to invest our budget into the Slip, Drip, and Rip Mega Extreme Fun Xtravaganza Waterslide Adventure Park Grub Stand (not legally a food vendor) and Spa™, so I put two and two together and made a ramp myself with what I had.”
The brand new ramp stands 50 feet tall. There are no guardrails, just a sign at its entrance with an encouraging message: “YOLO.” Once ridden, the ramp allows easy access to all the waterslides in the park — you just have to be able to steer your wheelchair while airborne to make sure you land on the slide you wish to ride. Easy!
Jimmy Jones, a wheelchair user who was lucky to be the first to use this new accessibility aid, sent in a video congratulating Michaels on the well-deserved award. Unfortunately, his voice is drowned out by the sound of the oxygen tube and the other ICU noise. Learn to steer, Jimmy!