Greetings, football lovers, to another kickoff of the NFL. And what a kickoff it is, as the league has once more changed its kick return rules to prevent high-octane contact injuries. But in this game of gods played by mortals, there are still plenty of opportunities for bruising, battering and life-altering pain. And we’re off!
It’s a beautiful day in the rehabilitation clinic as Mr. Aaron Rodgers and the Jets battled the reigning NFC Champion 49ers. But not everyone was dancin’ now at the CMC Music Factory, as 9ers star Christian McCaffrey was sidelined with achilles tendonitis. Still, Purdy Boy Brock proved hard as pewter, putting his shoulder to the squeaky San Francisco wheel, leading the 9ers to a 32-19 victory. Whoooooop!
In Chicago, first overall pick Caleb Williams made his NFL debut with one of the league’s top receiving cores and woke up on Monday two men down, as new addition Keenan “Welcome to Good Burger, Home of the Good Burger” Allen and rookie Rome (Star-Spangled Banner theme) Oooo-duuuun-ze are both questionable for Week 2 with heel and MCL injuries. Nonetheless, Da B-b-b-Bears defense picked off Will Levis of the Titans for two touchdowns, sealing a 24-17 victory. Are you not entertained?!
Dear Los Angeles, Sugar Ray called: They want their Puka back! Rams star Puka Nucua is out for at least 4 weeks with a PCL sprain, leaving QB Matt Stafford without one of his top options during his homecoming to the Motor City. And while the Lions hobbled, there was no injury that three cans of Dan Campbell’s special Red Bull couldn’t fix! Lions 26, Rams 20.
Lastly, Week 2 is already underway, and what a start for disability. Divisional rivals Bills and Dolphins met in Buffalo for a Thursday night matchup. The Bills won handily 31-10, and what better image for this bloody conquest than Bills Not-So-Safety Demar Hamlin concussing Fins QB Tua Tagliovola on a routine tackle? Talk about “WHHHOOOOOP!”