To whom it may concern, if you were capable of concern:
You’re a pain in the ass, and your bullshit is out here making everyone mentally ill.
Your problems are dumb. Stop talking about them! There are so many other things I could be thinking about!
You’ve been saying the same thing each time we see one another for years now. Shut up!!!
Remember when you lost your iPhone, then insisted that you left it on the stoop and blamed it on the Ukrainians that just moved in upstairs? Because you thought our landlord would take your side? Well, they didn’t, did they? And there I was at 11:15 p.m. responding to your “dire emergency,” only to find you standing there yelling at an innocent family that just left a war zone because you hadn’t yet realized that you left your phone at the bar.
We have lives and jobs! If we’re lucky, we get one hour to rest before the next day kicks our ass! And here I am spending that time listening to you mess everything up again and ask me to bail you out! I hear voices all day because of the stress you add!
Or what about the time you freaked out because the brunch spot couldn’t accommodate us without a reservation and we had to go the other diner instead? There are literal bombs being dropped — and metaphorical ones in my brain. And if I hear you mention the phrase “inferior hollandaise sauce” one more, time they will explode.
Also — stop interrupting me! I’m not finished!
Welp, there you go. You interrupted. That story’s over now. There goes my story. I’m sure yours is more important though. No, don’t apologize. Go ahead, let’s hear it!
Wow, that story sucked! (*dramatic slow clap in your direction*)
You’re a human cortisol injection, straight to the lobe. You’re $10,000 in out-of-pocket therapy costs — and yes, I’ve been keeping receipts! You’re lucky there’s some reason you have to be in my life forever. If only I had a choice, I might choose sanity!
Your bullshit is out here making everyone mentally ill — namely, me!