EXCLUSIVE: Everyone has a type. Even SARS-CoV-2.
We’ve always heard from secondary sources — CDC, NIH, etc. — about COVID-19 and its special affinity for people with disabilities. For the first time, we’re hearing COVID’s side of the story.
Interviewer: It’s lovely to have you in the studio today.
COVID: It’s nice to finally have my voice heard. It’s always “How is that COVID?!” and never “How ARE you, COVID?”
Interviewer: How are you, COVID?
COVID: I’m good. Trying to get out more. I want a connection that’s not surface level … well, besides surfaces like glass, plastic, granite or metal.
Interviewer: We’ve heard you prefer disabled folks. Is that correct?
COVID: Yes. Don’t get me wrong, though — I’m kind of like God in the way I love everyone. Usually I go for one normal person at a time. Sorry, is “normal person” the politically correct term? Uh, I don’t know. But when it comes to disabled folks? Give ’em to me!
Interviewer. You’ve given us a list here of your top five favorite disabilities. Care to comment?
COVID: Of course.
Interviewer: Number five, immunocompromised conditions.
COVID: Weaker immune systems mean easier to love-bomb. A little sweet talking and I’m in.
Interviewer: Number four, diabetes.
COVID: I’m a huge Nick Jonas fan. I just assume all people with diabetes are him. Is that something-ist? Racist? Sexist? Whatever, everyone already hates me anyway.
Interviewer: Number three, this one is surprising … cancer?
COVID: What can I say? I like the bad boys. The chemo gets me high.
Interviewer: Number two, dementia.
COVID: They get to fall in love with me over and over and over again … since they keep forgetting I’m there.
Interviewer: And your number one favorite, heart conditions.
COVID: Right to the heart — isn’t that what love is really about?