Are you disabled AND not hot enough to get free drinks at your local bar?
If you immediately said, “THAT’S ME!” then you’re in the right place, my average-looking friend! Yikes, are you really going to wear that outfit to go out … ? Sorry, off topic! Back to business: DON’T fret, compadre. You can still save major bank by following these THREE easy steps with one goal in mind: to make the bartender feel bad for you.
STEP ONE: Walk (or roll — bonus points for a mobility aid or chair!) to the bar top counter. Get yourself comfortable, and repeat THIS mantra to yourself in your head: “Ask not what you can do for disability; ask what disability can do for YOU.” Do this until you make eye contact with the bartender. When they meet your gaze, make a HUGE, AUDIBLE SIGH. Key tip here: Make sure they can see your mobility aid! Let’s use a cane as an example. If you have one, slam that thing on the counter and act like it was an accident! You are disabled, after all, and you simply lost control of your motor skills.
STEP TWO: When the bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” you say, “The question really is, what do I WISH I could have? I WISH I could have a normal life.” Then launch into a monologue about how your life is harder because of your disability. This is the time to embellish! Channel your favorite Oscar-winning actor and SELL. IT. Somewhere, Meryl Streep is proud of YOU!
STEP THREE: If they aren’t receptive at first, DON’T worry! Make sure to have a list on hand of all the things that contribute to pity around disability (Make-A-Wish, telethons, St. Jude Children’s Hospital commercials, Sarah McLachlan singing “In the Arms of the Angel,” etc.). Pick one and talk about your experience with it — even if you don’t have any! Slip a server $5 and ask them to play the saddest song on the playlist (solemn piano instrumentals preferred) and the “I Am Autism” commercial on all the TVs. If you’re not great at improv, learn Photoshop — a photo of you and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, specifically where you’re wearing the same clothes that you’re wearing right now, will come in handy. Show it and say, “This was my Make-A-Wish, the beginning of my last day on Earth. Dwayne was so nice this morning. We’re on a first-name basis. I told him to serve [YOUR DRINK OF CHOICE] at my upcoming funeral. Have you ever thought about writing your own eulogy?”
Watch in awe as the bartender gives you a FREE drink — EXACTLY the one you JUST mentioned! Disclaimer: They will probably quit after you do this, so be prepared to repeat these steps next time you want that discounted buzz!