At a press conference last Saturday, Satan took the podium with an encouraging announcement: Hell is finally in-network!
“Our partnerships with Blue Cross Blue Shield, Urban Outfitters and Nestle have expanded our network of care,” Satan declared. “Hell is now covered under all PPO and HMO health insurance plans. And if you don’t have health insurance, come to us anyway. We have a plan for you.”
Benito Ortega, a new patient of Hell, is excited by the news. “I used to have to get my monthly infusions at a small hospital near me. When they closed, I got real worried,” he told us. “Thank Lucifer that Hell is now covered under my health insurance. I can access it easily through any Starbucks bathroom!”
Mr. Ortega says that so far the care he’s received is exemplary. “Dr. Xqytplorfacv, Demon of Medicine, takes wonderful care of me. I always look forward to his stinging nettle massages and coconut manure smoothies. He even lets me watch old Mussolini speeches while I wait for my infusion to finish. He’s great. And from hearing the endless wails down the hall, I think others agree!”
Satan says his standard of care is inspired by the American healthcare system. “I saw what hospitals and insurance companies were doing in the United States, and I felt like I was missing out. We have everything a standard hospital would have: hidden fees, horrible parking and an on-site pharmacy that’s always out of stock.”
After interviewing Ortega in Hell, we ran into God, who was wearing a hat and sunglasses. On his way out we got a quick quote: “Oh, hey. Yeah. Um, I get my colonoscopies here. It was actually cheaper here than at Kaiser Permanente. But don’t do bad stuff. Be good. Okay. I’ll see you up there. Is this on the record?”