PLANO, Texas — Frito-Lay, a food division of the corporation PepsiCo, announced an unprecedented collaboration today with an unlikely partner: Big Pharma.
“Everyone likes to throw around the word ‘unprecedented,’ but really, this time, these ARE unprecedented times in our world,” commented Frito-Lay CEO Steven Williams. “Everyone loves a salty snack when they’re upset, right? Lay’s Classic Potato Chips are one of our best sellers — we made $4.27 billion last year on chips alone. People’s biggest complaint was, ‘I still feel stressed out after eating them, even though they’re delicious.’ We thought, ‘Let’s do something about that.’”
The solution? Meet Xanax Lay’s.
“Xanax is our ‘chill the hell out’ drug. A favorite of suburban moms on Wine Wednesday (we don’t recommend this). Wine may not be the perfect pairing, but a crunchy, tangy potato chip? THAT’S where it’s at. A combo that Ratatouille would be proud of,” a Big Pharma representative told us.
The representative explained that the addictive powers of Xanax combined with the addictive nature of crunchy, salty snacks could create an addiction so powerful that no amount of rehab would cure it. Addicts are the perfect repeat customers.
The recipe is simple: Lay’s potato chips covered in a Xanax coating. The pills are broken up through a delicate and intricate process of “using a jackhammer and absolutely going to town on that shit. I just pretend it’s the house I used to own with my cheater ex-wife, Janine. She loved Wine Wednesdays —” We couldn’t read the rest of the statement, as the fax was covered in tears.
Our reporter was going to finish this story, but he just tried the Xanax Lay’s. Now he’s too chill to work. He’ll do it tomorrow, probably.