Local Woman Declares War on Cruciferous Vegetables

LEXINGTON, Mass. — After the events of Sunday brunch, which led to bloating on Monday and into Tuesday morning, Betty Miller declared war. The “shart heard round the world” interrupted her editorial meeting and caused her to flee mid-presentation to the nearest bathroom. Unfortunately, it was thunderous and became a core memory for many of her coworkers. Miller was beyond the point of no return.

Miller named her enemy as simply “cruciferous vegetables,” though steamed broccoli is thought to have been responsible. “With my guts, I really can’t be too careful, and I don’t trust the lot of them,” she stated during her declaration. She said she understood the difficulties of declaring war on plants, and she didn’t wish to completely wipe them off the planet, just the dinner table.

Many brave, gassy volunteer soldiers joined in her efforts to remove cruciferous vegetables from dinner plates and menus — by force, when necessary. One man was stunned at Miller slapping his fork from his hand at a restaurant — until she informed him of the dangers of bloat and digestive upset. Others took to social media in attempts to “cancel” cauliflower, perform comedy roasts of Brussels sprouts, and even create billboards to discourage people from eating kale.

Efforts have been slow, particularly among vegans and the lucky bastards who have normal digestive systems. As for Miller? She no longer wears thongs and is careful to stick to mimosas at brunch.