RAVENNA, Ohio — Doctors at Conglomerate-Takeover Memorial Hospital have had the misfortune of receiving new Medicaid-sponsored AEDs meant to replace all existing AEDs in their emergency room.
“I was skeptical since the execs at Conglomo-Take are always discouraging us from taking patients with Medicaid. People without insurance are sterilized and mercy-killed upon entry,” quips Dr. Harry D. Fizitian.
Given the medical staff’s experiences with Conglomerate-Takeover’s attitude toward “financially depressed (Aftaxia© about it!)” patients, Fizitian was not surprised to find several alarming security features in the new MedicAED™ automated external defibrillators peppering the walls and columns of the CTMH emergency room. Each AED requires the user to enter an account number and group number — with accessible screen reader option — to open the first of three locks.
If a patient has somehow slipped through the cracks and entered the emergency room with no insurance, the doctor is prompted to fill out an incident report, and the MedicAED will alert the closest RFK-mandated ICE agent to shoot the patient. Otherwise, the doctor is required to take a picture of the patient giving a thumbs-up while holding an acknowledgment of financial responsibility form. Once they have been accepted as culturally appropriate, the defibrillator will play a 30-second advertisement for Aftaxia© that is prefaced by a two-minute long music video for Lee Greenwood’s night-club remix of “God Bless the USA.”
Once all of these conditions have been satisfied, the AED will open fully and begin functioning as normal.
“I mean, I already have blood on my hands. I might as well get covered in it,” Fizitian snarks as he takes a long drag from a cigarette. “Please don’t tell my insurance company that I smoke. They’d probably drop me.”