In fits of palpable frustration, local disabled man Chuck Higgins lamented to Squeaky Wheel investigative reporters on the ground — literally — that most of his exercise consists simply of him falling on the floor and struggling to get back up.
“AGHHHHHH!” wailed Higgins, before taking a breath and adding, “That sums it up, doesn’t it? This sucks!”
Higgins, like most people born with cerebral palsy, has extremely shitty muscle coordination. As a result, one of his defining impairments is that he is clumsy as hell.
“When most people trip and fall,” he said, “they’re usually afforded the dignity to trip on something! But not me! I trip on myself!”
Higgins admits he has a poor diet and almost never engages in willful exercise. However, he’s managed to maintain a relatively slim figure due to the outsized energy it takes to do what are normatively considered to be basic tasks, such as breathing, moving, sitting, balancing, bending, and existing — not to mention cussing out the cold, hard floor.
Higgins also uses a walker for his mobility needs inside his home, something else he credits for his high rate of exertion despite his understandably sedentary lifestyle. “If you had to walk on your triceps for your entire life — and it took this much effort, every hour of the day — you’d probably burn a lot of calories, too!”
Higgins tries not to have too much pride in what the able-bodied world considers second rate and effortless. Nonetheless, he allows himself to occasionally indulge. Sweating and panting after more than 20 minutes of dedicated resistance training trying to get on all fours, Higgins finally stood upright and firmly whispered, “I did it! Fitness goals!”
At press time, Higgins could be heard loudly groaning after finally settling into his couch — he realized he had to pee.