NEW YORK — In a landmark advancement for equality, the NYC Department of Buildings and the FDNY announced a modification to structures unchanged since their invention in the 18th century. With slight adjustments, fire escapes are now accessible. We at the Squeaky Wheel have compiled a list of what anyone, disabled or not, can now experience thanks to the newly accessible fire escapes.
- Getting to the bottom of the fire escape only to have the last ladder be stuck.
Jump. Break your leg. You’re on a first-name basis with the entire local hospital staff, so who cares anyway?
- An obstructed exit.
Your bed, your medical supplies, and every piece of furniture you know only fits in front of the fire escape access point. Oh, the window to get out is also stuck, btw.
- Underage drinking.
You, a can of Mike’s Hard, and your buddies and bullies from high school all can hide outside away from mom. They call you an ableist slur for the aesthetic. No idea how this many people could possibly fit on such a small metal platform. What could be better than thi— WAIT, MOM’S COMING. CLIMB!
- Being a sickly child on Christmas.
It’s the only place high enough to wave to the passing (healthy) patrons below. Bonus points if you have crutches and your name starts with “Tiny”.
- Having a movie-grade kiss.
You’re home from the big city, where your polished husband is working through Christmas at his high-paying high-level tech company. Your rugged, lumberjack childhood best friend is about to win the baking contest.. at least you think he is. You’re enjoying a quiet moment looking out on your fire escape… then you turn around. He’s there. Flour all over his shirt. Eyes teary. “It’s always been you.” Snow falls. You have the BEST kiss of your life. Your heart monitor goes CRAZY.
Finally: Falling off and dying.
One loose screw (you and/or the fire escape). Your wheelchair is unscathed, though. Great news for your insurance company!