PORTLAND, Ore. — There are many signs that Hot Girl Summer is incoming. Chirping birds, bell button-showing Instagram posts or even an unhealthy obsession with Timothee Chalamet. But for Kayla Jones, Hot Girl Summer began with the traditional torrent of night sweats.
“I hadn’t checked my calendar for days, mostly because I was procrastinating getting my car’s oil changed,” Jones said. “But I knew I was going to have the best summer ever when I woke up at 2 a.m. drenched in a bone-chilling sweat!”
Night sweats are a common side effect of many medications and autoimmune disorders. For Jones, it was exactly what she had been waiting for. “I had broken up with my boyfriend recently and was feeling a bit depressed. I did all the things to prepare for a fun summer: listening to Haim on repeat, booking a flight to Japan I can’t afford, developing a dangerous caffeine addiction … I was like, when is my Hot Girl Summer coming? Then I woke up that night and saw the outline of sweat in my bed. It looked like a chalk outline at a crime scene. I couldn’t have been happier!”
Monarch Highwinter, a professional astrologist and vintage clothing reseller on eBay, explained that night sweats are a strong indicator of an incoming Hot Girl Summer. “This is a common moonframe for signs from the temporal plane that indicate a Hot Girl Summer,” Highwinter said. “Night sweats are one such sign. Other signs include susceptibility to skin sensitivity, infections and fatigue. If you experience these flashes of the incoming summer, rejoice!”
Highwinter wanted to warn readers of the dangerous signs that point to a different kind of summer as well. “Feeling well-rested, eating healthy and avoiding impulsive decisions are all indicators of a Goblin Girl Summer. If you experience any of these symptoms, send me a raven immediately.”
Jones is now careful to ensure that she triggers her Hot Girl Summer night sweats. “My doctor keeps saying it’s a side effect of my medication. But if I forget to take my meds, all I have to do to get the night sweats back is think about all the mistakes I’ve made over the course of my life. Then wham, my bed is drenched! Hot Girl Summer, here I come!”