Dear hospital patients and citizens,
In the medical community, we are making advancements in medical technology every single day. However, there is one quality-of-life improvement that we have failed to address. I’m Dr. Glen Thompson, and I firmly believe that hospital gowns are not thin enough.
In my time as a doctor, I have overseen some amazing improvements to current medical tools over the past decade. My MRI Sound Initiative increased the overall noise levels of MRI machines so our patients can barely hear themselves think. The handwriting classes I implemented in hospitals around the globe led to a whopping 175% increase in doctor handwriting illegibility. However, we still have miles of progress to achieve when it comes to hospital gowns.
When a patient comes in for a colonoscopy, or a blood draw, or even to pick up their phone that they left in our offices, I always make sure they wear a hospital gown. The goal of a hospital gown is to make the patient feel vulnerable, cold and uncomfortable. If a patient comes into my operating room and they are not shivering from wearing a gown for the last hour, then are we even doing our job as professionals? If the gown doesn’t hang loosely in the back, isn’t almost impossible to tie shut and doesn’t have their ass flapping about in our halls, then what is it all for?
A gown needs to be made of the thinnest, cheapest fabric available. It should be basically see-through. This puts the patient in such an extreme state of cold and vulnerability that we as doctors now feel better performing procedures, knowing that at all times we have the upper hand. You may wonder, “Why do doctors need the upper hand?” The answer to that is: Please don’t ask stupid questions, I’m a doctor. I know more than you.
I send this letter to the Squeaky Wheel editors for publishing henceforth. I am confident that they understand the scourge of thick hospital gowns. Be well, and remember that I am a doctor.
Sincerely,
[handwriting unintelligible]
So here’s what you should do to make tying the gown shut not nearly so impossible. It’s a trick I’ve learned from my wife. When she puts on her bra, she puts it on backwards and then turns it around after fastening it. All that’s left is to fill the bra cups with her boobs! Same with a hospital gown, except that you instead put your arms into the sleeves last. Easy peasy! (At least I THINK this will work.).
Hell is full of sadists like you