PARIS — Twelve glorious days and eleven sordidly sensual nights: That’s how Paralympian Quinn Vermel described their time at this year’s Paralympics.
“The other athletes teased me, calling me ‘the paralympic virgin’ as it’s my first time competing,” they said. “But they took care of that early in the first few days. I’m so grateful we didn’t get those flimsy cardboard beds the Olympics made athletes use — there’s no substitute for sex-cessible furniture.”
With over 160 countries represented at the 2024 Games and unprecedented numbers of fans watching events including goalball, wheelchair rugby and blind football, national pride and competitive spirit were secondary only to intense lust in the Paralympic Village. Diverse athletes with diverse disabilities celebrated scoring during the day by scoring all night long.
“Sure, the instructions on my Hoyer lift don’t say anything about exciting sexual positions, but what good is it if I can’t take myself — and multiple partners — to new limits?” said Paralympic boccia player Sam Certivo. “While I’m not just another pretty face, I do appreciate having multiple hotties ride it.”
When asked if such carnal relations with other athletes affected how they competed, Certivo replied, “Well, it’s not technically cheating if you wear out your opponent the night before, right? I can’t help it if they wanted my body more than a medal.” This was followed by a wink.
However, some Paralympians felt the erotic undertones took away from the experience. “Look, I love being ravaged as much as any other athlete, but too many overdo it,” said goalball Paralympian Lou Skunt. “My entire floor smelled like oysters, B.O. and a combination of wheelchair bearing lube and Astroglide. I get it — as a blind Paralympian I’m constantly tempted by absolute tens throughout the week. But as I tell new athletes, you must pace yourself. How will you feel if you can’t sexually peak after the closing ceremony?”
Others felt that after-hours success gave them an advantage on the field. Sitting volleyball athlete Komon Iwonalaya credited multiple nights of passion for bringing their team together, bonding as teammates and erotic partners. “I never before considered lovemaking as a team-building activity, but turns out it takes a lot of cooperation for copulation,” they remarked. “Even some of the asexuals on our team do their part by bringing snacks and keeping us hydrated.”
The International Paralympic Committee (IPC) estimates that over 250,000 condoms, 150,000 dental dams and several tons of sheets were distributed and used at this year’s games. When asked about the cleanup, an IPC representative responded, “Oh, it’s a breeze. We just powerwashed all the fluids into the Seine River every morning. No one wants to swim around in there anyway.”