SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Drug Approval Division of the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is shutting its doors today, almost 120 years after its creation as part of the 1906 Pure Food and Drugs Act. A universal “miracle cure” was recently discovered by the division’s team of scientists in clinical testing, making epinephrine, glucagon, insulin, inhalers and all lifesaving medications things of the past.
The future? “Four chords and the truth.”
That’s how the unlikely medication replacement is described by its maker, 43-year-old American singer-songwriter Rachel Platten, creator of “Fight Song.”
An anonymous FDA researcher recounted the story: “On a break from their clinical trials, our group of resident mice were lounging out and cracking open a cold one, like they always do. You know, to take the edge off. They work so hard, displaying all these symptoms for humans, so I always try to cheer them up a little, you know? That day, I thought playing Peloton’s ‘Hype Songs’ playlist was a good idea. When I put it on shuffle, Rachel’s masterpiece came on. And, well, the rest is history.”
Our news team interviewed Stewart, the head mouse of the FDA Trials Division, on what happened that day. “A simple yet stunning piano accompaniment in a 4/4 time signature is what happened that day. The lyrics should be studied — it’s just … sorry, I’m getting emotional.” Stewart had to take a break from the interview to collect himself. “Sometimes you can’t fully describe how a song makes you feel. When I heard ‘I don’t really care if nobody else believes, I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me,’ I felt … incredible. I invested in Peloton stock, started getting up at 6 a.m. for pilates and became capable of human speech.”
When asked what the most influential change was for him post “Fight Song,” he said, “I love treadmills now. They’re all the suffering of running but without the nature and sunlight.”
We were surprised when he said the best change was treadmills. “It’s not that you’re now capable of human speech?” we asked him. “No,” Stewart said. “I always knew I had it in me. ‘Fight Song’ brought it out.”
A diverse group of humans with various disabilities that require lifesaving medication was brought in to study the effects “Fight Song” has on their symptoms and conditions. The FDA was prepared for years of trials, but the effects were instantaneous. Platten’s “little ditty” has been approved as a replacement for any medication. Seriously. ANY medication.
“I went out that day and bought a gallon of plain sugar and ate it by the spoonful,” said Bonnie Martin, formerly an insulin-dependent type 1 diabetic. “Thank you, Rachel. I will ‘take back my life,’ I will ‘prove I’m alright.’ A single word can ‘make a heart open’.” (We aren’t sure if she quoted all the lyrics; her cavities make it hard for her speak clearly.)
“I’m not a hero,” said Platten. “But I’ve always known music heals the soul. Now we know it heals the body too.”