It often takes a lot for doctors to truly hear you. There’s always a long list of things that simply must get done before they’re all ears! Your friends at the Squeaky Wheel are ranking the top 5 weirdest things your doctor does BEFORE listening to you (and number three may surprise you).
5. Maintain a 10-year-long situationship with their childhood best friend.
Why is your doctor giggling and kicking their feet while looking at your chart on the computer? They’re not really looking at your records. “₊˚⊹ᰔ 𝓫𝓪𝓮 𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁.” is texting. Again. Like they’ve been doing ALL day. For 10 years. Talking about everything EXCEPT how they kissed that one time. And that other time. Oh, and the time after that …
4. Start a controversial “van life” YouTube account, travel the entire world funded by a mysterious and unknown source of income with kids named Mackenleigh and Braxtonn, accrue 100M followers and then do some damage control.
Before your doctor will help you, first they need to pay exorbitant amounts of money to scrub the nasty rumors about their “Fun Fam Jam” around-the-world vlogs from Reddit. Oh, and yes, they really did name their children that. Plus, it’s literally impossible to listen to you before they’ve visited every third world country in the name of performative activism … so cut them some slack.
3. Bring back the McRib. Permanently.
The title was clickbait. No one is surprised by this one: self-explanatory. Next.
2. Log 10,000 hours in Stardew Valley.
It takes 10,000 hours to become a master of your craft. Be a dochter … wait, no, that’s not how you spell that. Dottther. No. Doctr? I’m only on my first hour of studying to be a hlthcr professional so I’m not sure. Anyway, why would they focus on medicine when they could be completing the Community Center in Pelican Town? The Dance of the Moonlight Jellies only happens ONCE per in-game year. Plus, you can only give your in-game crush a gift THREE TIMES A WEEK! Your doctor simply cannot miss these monumental events just because you have heart issues, or whatever the hell you won’t stop bitching about. Get your head on straight!
1. Surrender their worldly body and become a star in the galaxy, thus becoming an eternal part of the universe.
Sorry, what did you say about thinking you have an undiagnosed nerve condition? I’m too busy weaving my soul into the fabric of the cosmos.