MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, Tenn. — A local rock music festival was nearly halted over the weekend by unlabeled snacks. The surprise trauma occurred just one hour before the band Cult of Hope was set to perform.
“They had free food for us all. There were chips, popcorn and chocolate. It was really great!” Viktor Val, the band’s lead guitarist, said with mixed emotions. “We’d been setting up all day” — a statement disputed by his bandmates — “and so I just HOUSED a bunch of stuff.”
He got through a bowl of popcorn and half a chocolate bar before anything felt amiss. Like many others with IBS, Val has to follow a specific diet to avoid flares. But, like any hungry person in front of free food, he let loose. Oh, did he let loose.
He felt the familiar gurgling of his guts and went to check the label on the chocolate bar — but there wasn’t one! There was no time to ask questions; he had to find a bathroom. The lounge bathroom had a long line, so he waddled around to the venue’s side entrance.
“A few fans saw me and recognized me; I felt really bad about it because they were excited and I was trying not to explode.” He made it in time, but as he abused the toilet, he heard gagging, screaming and crying from the other people who were unfortunate enough to be in that bathroom. “I felt guilty, but I was blowing ass so hard that I almost ascended into heaven. I think I saw God.”
Festival organizers called in counselors for those who needed help processing their trauma. As for Val? He’s regrown his asshole and his career continues. But he has an important message to spread:
“LABEL YOUR FOOD!”