XENIA, Ohio — After years of trying to have penetrative sex, Alberta Smith has finally found the answer to her sexual disability.
“Penetration always felt like hitting a wall in my vagina, and it hurt. A lot. No one else I knew had this. It was like I was the first person to ever experience it.”
Smith hasn’t had a pap smear in years. The last time she went, the doctor suggested that she may have vaginismus, a condition in which the pelvic floor muscles are overly reactive to penetration of any kind. The only treatment was physical therapy, but her insurance wouldn’t cover it. An internet search told her that she must be too anxious to have sex and to stop being such a prude. “Which is weird, because I’ve been wanting to get pounded since I was, like, 13.”
The only anxiety Smith was experiencing was her inability to get dicked into oblivion, so she started looking for alternative answers.
“For years, I thought that I was a switch. I loved dildos, but they were only ever good for decor. So I decided to listen to my body, and my body said I was a top.”
This worked until her most recent partner mentioned wanting to purchase a strap-on. “I was excited at first, but then I remembered who I am. I’m a top. I don’t allow any penetration. Penetration is for bottoms.” We pointed out that this isn’t true; sex roles are more about power dynamics, and you can still be a top and be penetrated. But Smith began shouting, “There’s nothing wrong with my vagina! I’m not a prude!” Which was weird, because we weren’t even saying that.
“I can’t — I mean, I don’t even buy tampons. Tampons are for bottoms.”