WOOSTER, Ohio — Now ANYONE can “make you want a hot dog real bad.”
Staff at the AssistiveTechCo headquarters are preparing for a historic launch today: the brand-new, freshly recorded JCAAC, or the Jennifer Coolidge Augmentative and Alternative Communication device.
AAC devices are accessibility tools that aid individuals in communicating. Buttons are traditionally preprogrammed with basic words or phrases, like “please,” “thank you,” “no,” “yes,” “eat,” and so on. The new and improved version, fully voiced by Coolidge, has all the essentials — plus some necessary additions.
“Oh, yes, I had a lot of input,” said Coolidge. “We changed ‘these gays, they’re trying to murder me!’ to ‘these ableds, they’re trying to murder me!’” She laughed heartily. “That surely won’t cause any issues. Oh, we also added ‘MILF.’ A lot of people know me from my MILF days in the ‘American Pie’ movies. And DILF. It’s ‘Disabled I’d Like to F***.’ I wanted to make sure we were being inclusive.” She beamed.
There was a slight bug in the early stages of the device’s development, but rest assured, it has since been fixed (for the most part). Occasionally, users inadvertently not only “take the dog, dumbass” but end every request with the same sentiment: “Please, dumbass.” “Thank you, dumbass.” “No, dumbass.” “Yes, dumbass.” “Eat, dumbass.” Users who experience this bug will receive a free replica pair of Coolidge’s “White Lotus” sunglasses and scarf, so at least they look cool while saying it.
Coolidge also insisted that JCAAC devices include a monologue or two — for aspiring actors. This quote from “A Cinderella Story” was the obvious choice: “There’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you and I think you’re ready to hear it. You’re not very pretty and you’re not very bright. I’m so glad we had that talk.” So if you hear someone in the grocery store giving the performance of a lifetime, you’ll know: That’s a JCAAC!