In a groundbreaking development, The Squeaky Wheel was recently presented with the opportunity to interview actual organs. This feat was achieved by the bold bowels of Brenda Smith, who was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) as a teenager. After over a decade of listening to doctors call them “irritable,” her bowels were fed up and took matters into their own mucosa by scheduling an interview aided by endoscopy and many, many, many tiny microphones.
“I’m tired of constantly being labeled something I’m not!” the bowels began. After a few growls and grumbles we weren’t able to interpret, we continued with our prepared interview about what Mx. Bowels described as a “smear campaign.”
“It all began when she [Smith] was around fourteen years old; it’s a very turbulent time!” They described it as a sometimes toxic workplace. “All these new orders kept coming in from the boss — sorry, I mean the brain — and sometimes they were canceled at the last minute! Then it would be something entirely different!”
Not only did they have to contend with poor management, but overall morale was low. “Well, one coworker is just an asshole! The pay is shit too, so I mean, sure, I might have gotten cranky sometimes. Can you really blame me though?”
When we asked Smith for a response, she reported multiple instances of frustration and humiliation caused by her IBS-M over the years. This includes many ruined pairs of pants, a horrible date, missed events, lots of medical treatments, missed school and workdays, a traumatic experience for the family dog and much more. Despite that, Smith is willing to work it out with Mx. Bowels. However, the bowels have some terms and conditions:
“No stress, no lactose, no surprising strong emotions, plenty of sleep, not too much sleep, aligned chakras, no allergies, don’t be late to work, don’t be early to work, be near a clean toilet, no spicy food, enough fiber, not too much fiber …”