Opinion: All Women’s Issues Caused by Being Overweight or Anxious, by Dr. Richard Ayushol

In my 42 years as a top expert in women’s healthcare, I’ve learned more about females than any man should ever want to learn. It’s basic biology: Women have babies, nurture those babies, have emotions and adhere to beauty standards. So the natural first thing I do when I see a new patient is ask if she’s pregnant and when her last menstrual cycle was. If everything is fine there … well, then, the cause of her suffering is probably her being anxious or overweight.

Sure, sometimes I get reported for “negligence” or “not listening,” but females fail to realize that examining an entire human body looking for a cause is exhausting, and my approach is much more efficient. If I wanted to think about these things, I would have become a nurse! I prefer to think about the bigger things in life, like my salary.

Most of my misguided patients complain about pain, swelling, headaches and blurred vision. Now I’m sure you’re wondering how that all means the female is fat and crazy, and I’m happy to explain it. Pain? All in their head, but it’s also true that all that extra weight is difficult to carry. Swelling? Easy — it’s not edema or anything else, just fat. And they’re anxious about having it. Headaches? All in their head from their little feelings and stress about being fat. Blurred vision? Tricky one! However, they’re so emotional they’re forgetting to focus their vision and possibly are crying about being fat.

People often argue that medical sexism shapes my practice, but I have decided it doesn’t and I’m correct. At the end of the day, I have the power, the advanced degrees and a fancy wheelie stool.

Dr. Richard Ayushol, MD,
Director of Joseph and Robert’s Women’s Health Center