Local

Hot Wheels! This Wheelchair User Actually Is a Fire Hazard

Local firefighters have been racing around town for the past few years, and it’s not because of a heatwave or a BBQ mishap. It’s due to the sizzling shenanigans of the town’s most unexpected pyromaniac: Anthony Fuego.

Leaving a string of small “controlled” blazes in his wake — including a crisped flag in front of the colonial-era town hall, a flaming pile of garbage near the bottom of a staircase, and a charred sign outside a local physical therapist’s office — Fuego’s mini-infernos have garnered bewilderment throughout the community.

Residents have been alight with shock at the news of Fuego’s involvement in the blazes. “This is surreal,” exclaimed Alma de la Cruz, Fuego’s next-door neighbor of two decades. “Anthony? He’s always been our neighborhood beacon, shining through adversity. It’s hard to imagine that sweet boy with a matchstick.”

Confronted with this characterization, Fuego simply laughed. “People only saw the wheelchair, not the firestarter. Remember Alma’s dolls that mysteriously combusted when we were twelve? Yep, that was me. But everyone was so busy cooing over how ‘angelic’ and ‘inspiring’ I looked, they never imagined I’d be up to any antics.”

When pressed about the reason for his turn to crime, Fuego had this to say: “Back in elementary school, the cafeteria monitor wouldn’t let me sit with my friends, saying I was a ‘fire hazard’ if I sat at the normal tables. Can you believe that?” Fuego fumed. “So, I thought, why not live up to the title? If I was already branded, I might as well embrace the heat.”

Despite this explanation, the community is still burning with questions regarding Fuego’s motivations and his choice of targets.

“His favorite tinderboxes have been walk-in centers, heritage sites where renovations have been prohibited, and health services offices,” said Detective Netra Ican, who spearheaded the investigation. “We’re still piecing together what might’ve sparked Fuego’s interest in these particular locations, but thankfully these businesses are no longer under threat.”

While Fuego’s reign of fire has come to an end, the town is dealing with a new masked vandal who has been defacing corners of public sidewalks by creating spontaneous inclines to the ground.

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