In a development that leaves the company perplexed, confused, and frustrated, the board of directors for health insurance giant United Healthcare has collectively acknowledged that its members are worried that local physical therapy patient, once and hopefully future basketball star Michelle Lombard, is getting too better.
Lombard, 23, is a former prolific athlete who was a top WNBA prospect before she ruptured her Achilles’ tendon during her sophomore year of college.
After years of rehab and being told numerous times that her chance at professional basketball was gone, she finds herself on the road to recovery. This has proven to be a remarkable display of perseverance, and a path many would have thought impossible.
That includes her healthcare insurer, United Healthcare.
“When Michelle got back into the news, we started freaking out. We thought we’d get to stop paying for this woman’s recovery at least three years ago. But she just wouldn’t give up! And now we’re going to have to shell out even more, because her story is just so goddamn inspirational!” cried the UHC interim board chairman.
Another board member remarked, “We thought we’d be insuring an ex-athlete who would stop trying after a while! Do we really want to be the company that spoils one of the most feel-good stories of the century? I mean — yes, the answer is yes — but if we do, someone might murder one of us again.”
The Chief Marketing Officer was reached for comment and was similarly irritated.
“She lost her scholarship and dropped out of college! When we found out she was going back, we were like, ‘Oh, no! Not the indomitable human spirit!’”
At press time, the medical director of an in-network hospital assured the board that, due to Lombard’s gender, she would likely not earn enough money to keep up with the maintenance treatment needed for a long athletic career.