Local man Wendell Borton amended his power of attorney agreement to request Unconsciousness Until This Is All Over. “When I go under, leave me there. I don’t want to see it. Bring me back when it’s done,” he said. “The golden era is gone and isn’t coming back. There’s nothing we can do now.”
Borton once thought he had a “normal” life. But then they changed what “normal” was, and it seemed weird and scary to him. A world of strange new technologies, adults who don’t own homes the way their parents did, everything changing all of the time, a man named “Mr. Beast” — nothing about society was assured or set in place anymore.
The worst-case scenarios consumed him. What was this new millennium for? Were we prepared for the way things could decline? Were we meant to live like this?
His agreement stated that he be put coma and only awakened if certain conditions, ranging from geopolitical relations to niche fan-oriented complaints, were met: “Reduce gas reliance and end gas-related wars” was listed alongside “Either make the Simpsons funny again or stop making it,” as well as “Keith Richards and Bob Dylan need to stop slowly killing themselves on tour,” and “Get the Kennedys and Bushes out of politics,” among others.
Then there were more cryptic, personal demands that were difficult to discern: Including “Mike knows what he did and has to own it,” “Janice is a liar and should be called as such,” and “Randall better pay back that $200 he owes me.”
So far, few, if any, of his conditions have had any hope of being satisfied. Blockbuster went out of business, but the local video store did not take its place. McDonald’s Monopoly left and then came back. Bob Costas’ iron grip on Olympic coverage has remained strong as ever. And, perhaps most ironically, since healthcare has been denied as a human right to Americans, he would accrue debts upwards of $10,000 per day if he were to stay in a coma in hospital care.
As for Mike, Janice, and Randall, their nonsense hasn’t shown any sign of slowing down.