Pfizer has officially released a vaccine for the latest variant of Taco Bell Diarrhea. It will be available in pharmacies next week, with priority given to the elderly and people with pre-existing conditions.
Since 2020, Taco Bell Diarrhea (TBD) has affected nearly 70% of all people who have eaten at Taco Bell, resulting in an estimated $4 Billion in lost economic productivity, a nationwide 15% increase in emergency room use, and several ruined weddings that have gone viral on the internet. A strong minority of those afflicted report the chronic variant Long TBD, wich is exactly what it sounds like and is an embarrassing condition to live with, especially when you tell people how you got it.
Previous annual prevention efforts have been largely successful, but this year, public health officials have been scrambling to respond after Taco Bell announced their “nostalgia menu,” reviving forgotten classics like the 7 Layer Burrito, Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos, and the Chili Cheese Burrito. It has been years since the public has been exposed to these pathogens, which could result in weakened resistance to vintage T-Bell and therefore increase the likelihood of another diarrhea outbreak.
Epidemiologists laud the overall vaccine rollout effort but advocate for different prevention strategies than those offered by the CDC. They say targeting the elderly and people with pre-existing conditions does little to contain the spread of TBD, as neither are at heightened risk of exposure. The typical patient, they say, looks less like your grandparent and more like your buddy Big Mike and your cousin Dale. Containment efforts should focus on 18 to 30-year-old males who drink between 100% and 400% of the physician-recommended daily alcohol limit and who frequent sports gambling websites.
Health officials further acknowledge this population consists of people who are likely to disregard health information and be low utilizers of health services. Officials suggest coupling vaccine awareness campaigns with harm-reduction strategies, focusing on reducing both the quantity and intensity of sauce packets used at Taco Bell. They also encourage anyone eating Taco Bell to get vaccinated. Side effects are common, however, and vaccine recipients are advised to be prepared with toilet deodorizers and extra-strength Charmin.