Magellan, a 10-year-old black lab, recently retired from his job as a seeing eye dog. To honor him, the local working dog community of Mount St. Maple held a retirement party in the third floor conference room of the municipal building.
It was a very calm affair — so calm that several attendees described it in less than flattering terms, including “sad” and “depressing.” One dog noted that it was “appropriately solemn given that humans are still in the middle of a pandemic.”
The room was decorated with long strings of toilet paper, but that was torn down and eaten; the refreshments that remained were not nearly as good. The dog biscuits and cake were both ordered from “Costco, of all places,” grumbled Danvers, a labradoodle. “As a fellow seeing eye dog, I’ve known Magellan for years, and he definitely deserves better than a cake without real chocolate in it! It was carob! I know that dogs technically aren’t supposed to have chocolate because it will kill us, but come on, YOLO!”
The crowd grew to some two dozen local working dogs, and even the local police dog was in attendance, although he was not seen speaking to anyone. Several attendees whispered “snob” as they gave him the side eye.
After the dismal refreshments, a large gold pooper scooper was presented to Magellan with the city’s name on it. This was followed by more standing around, halfheartedly sniffing each other’s butts and not saying anything. A few humans showed up and gave speeches, which the majority of the dogs chose to sleep through. There was one brief moment of excitement when a local bomb detection dog signaled that she had found something, but it turned out just to be a lunch left over from March 2020.
“I’ve been to more exciting tax audits,” Magellan told a local reporter. “And a pooper scooper? Please. I’m going to live in the country. You don’t need a pooper scooper in the country!”