WASHINGTON — After the Trump administration’s success changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, RFK Jr. has announced that measles is being officially renamed as early onset acne. Here is the partial transcript of RFK Jr.’s press conference speech [we had to cut it short because he started rambling incoherently]:
“With this measure MAHA has officially made America healthier by statistically reducing measles deaths to zero.
“For some unknown reason measles sounds scary to some sensible people, prompting them to give their children autism by vaccinating them against the disease. Those people still believe measles is dangerous and can cause death, brain injuries and other really bad side effects, when those side effects pale in comparison to a person with autism never paying taxes. This renaming will fix all of that.
“Really the only effect that matters is branding. Today we’ve taken a huge step forward in making people less worried. After all, acne is a normal part of high school life. Now we are acknowledging that some children will suffer those embarrassing zits from a young age, even as young as infancy. No one wants to get acne, but some people do. It’s the same with early onset acne. It’s annoying but no biggie — just put toothpaste on the spots.
“Look at China: 150% of their children get early onset acne, but not one Chinese person has ever had autism. In India, five in every three children get early onset acne, but they don’t die of measles and there are nearly 15 billion of them. Measles and autism are diseases of the West brought about by Big Pharma. MAHA is putting a stop to both right now.
“We have to stop being so insular and relying on papers written by the best scientists at the best universities in the world when ChatGPT gives us the answers we want.”