The Plastic Straw Ban: A Devastating Blow to Disabled Turtles

While plastic straws have long been villainized as weapons of environmental destruction, there is one group that is bound to suffer under the new plastic straw ban policy: disabled turtles.

The Squeaky Wheel caught up with local turtle Sheldon McCrush to ask him how the new legislation could affect him and his disabled turtle friends.

Q: Thanks for joining us, Sheldon. What are your initial thoughts on the straw ban?
A: Thanks for having me. First I want to say that I applaud the effort to protect the planet, I really do. Earth is my favorite planet to live on, so I really do agree with passing laws to protect it, especially my home in the ocean. But a straw ban? Part of me is just concerned about it, to be honest.

Q: And why is that?
A: Myself and many of my disabled turtle friends rely on plastic straws and use them daily. We have trouble drinking without them. It’s quite difficult to manufacture them down here, so most of the straws we use come from the land humans.

Q: I see. Is it true that discarded plastic straws pose a high risk to turtles who may choke on them?
A: Yes, it is, actually. All sorts of plastic ends up in the ocean, and well, sometimes it’s tempting and we want to eat it! But we can’t, so, uh, yes, that’s bad.

Q: If that’s the case, why aren’t you against all plastic straws?
A: Well, it’s more complicated than just all straws or no straws. I personally have really limited jaw movement, and I use the plastic straws I find to help me drink my favorite beverages, like the seaweed lattes I get from Starfishbucks.

Q: Interesting. Have you tried using alternatives like paper straws?
A: You do realize that I live underwater.

Q: Oh, right. Bad question. What about metal straws that can be reused?
A: Metal straws? I’ve never seen that.

Q: I guess people don’t discard those into the ocean.
A: You really weren’t prepared for this interview, were you?

Q: My apologies. Are there any final thoughts you’d like to share about the new law?
A: It’s just a nuanced topic that I think deserves a more careful discussion. Disabled turtles really do need plastic straws sometimes. Also, I think if more Americans opened their eyes and listened to my guys Andrew Tate and Q they would understand that there is a small ring of alien lizard politicians running the fede-

(This interview has been cut short for editorial purposes)

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