SEATTLE — A complicated mystery confounded local woman Emily Miller as she broke into a full-on sprint toward the bathroom. Was her impending diarrhea caused by her Crohn’s disease or by the general state of the world?
“I’ve had Crohn’s my whole life,” Miller said. And although diarrhea is a common symptom of the chronic illness, Miller suspected another culprit may be at play: everything that’s happening on Earth.
“Before the incident, I spent thirty minutes doom scrolling on my phone. I read some alarming climate science reports, browsed some of Trump’s newest executive orders and checked my Hinge messages. Immediately afterward, I felt a brown wave tug at my gut.”
This sent Miller into a spin. “Yeah, my Crohn’s makes me feel like crap a lot. It could be that. But I also got a Hinge message from Roberto that said, ‘what that thang do shawtie.’ Then I read an article about how Trump is waking the Kraken from her thousand-year slumber. That didn’t make my gut feel great either.”
Desperate to relieve the building pressure in her abdomen, Miller put her phone down and went for a walk. This backfired almost immediately when she witnessed two squirrels fighting to the death over an acorn. “Seeing two cute animals attack each other was when I knew I needed a toilet,” she said, hobbling away.
Fortunately, Miller eventually found the root cause of her soft stool situation. “I just realized that I ate some funny-looking eggs for breakfast, so the diarrhea was probably from that,” she said as she sprinted back toward the bathroom. “Although now that I think of it, could the poor quality of eggs be connected to the government’s new policies?”