BREAKING: 28-year-old Jenny Spalco has spotted a pair of wheels just outside the accessible bathroom stall that she is currently blowing up.
Spalco was seen yesterday at a local bar celebrating the establishment’s new “7 Shots for $7” promotion along with their signature enchilada skillet. After a long night of spicy food, cheap drinks and dancing, Spalco found herself this morning in a coffee shop bathroom. We are reporting live from this location right now.
It appears that, much like her digestive tract, Spalco’s conscience is currently being torn apart as she sits on the cold, white porcelain reflecting on how she ended up in this humiliating position. She questions her own motives, asking herself, “Did I knowingly use the handicap stall?” And while the stumbling trip into the stall is all a blur, Spalco has been known to, on occasion, use the accessible stall for “emergencies only, like … you know.”
The beige metal door separates her from Michelle Chall, who is eagerly awaiting an opportunity to pee after her morning coffee. When asked about the unusual predicament, Chall said this is anything but unusual. “It happens all the time. People use the accessible stall for their most vile, disgusting, horrifying bathroom acts, and innocent disabled people just have to put up with it.”
UPDATE: As Spalco emerged from the stall, she was seen telling Chall she is “so so sorry,” and swiftly walked out of the restroom without making eye contact. One nearby observer noted that she resembled a guilty dog getting caught eating tissue from the garbage can.