The Paralympics have featured many classic Olympic sporting events since their inception in 1948, and the International Paralympic Committee has gradually added to the list over time. Para badminton was added in 2020, and the games are once again expanding. Check out five new sports that will be part of the competition this year.
Showering
Showering while disabled is a workout, so it’s no surprise that it’s also a sporting event. Athletes must successfully shower without fainting or vomiting and will be evaluated for their speed, cleanliness and form. Heart rates may be measured, but it’s unclear what effect that metric will have on the overall score.
There’s no word yet on whether athletes will compete in the same style as ancient Greeks did (read: nude), but many fans are hoping to see some sexy disabled people.
Long Fling
The long fling is a play on the long jump, a traditional track and field event. Athletes will attempt to fling themselves the longest distance onto a mat. This event will be divided into wheelchair-user and non-wheelchair-user games. Athletes who use a wheelchair will have a short distance to wheel as fast as they can before braking abruptly, thus flinging themselves onto the mat. Athletes who don’t use a wheelchair will run/walk the short distance before flinging themselves onto the mat. Each athlete’s final distance will be measured at the top of their head.
Jumping (To Worst-Case Scenarios)
Finally something for the anxious people! Athletes will select from an unexpected phone call, an appointment scheduling request or a text message that says, “We need to talk.” After that, they’ll have five minutes to jump to the worst scenario they can imagine. Each participant will record their answers, and judges will determine who jumped the furthest.
Extreme Ramp
Time to show off that upper body strength! Athletes using manual wheelchairs will wheel up several steep, broken, unsafe ramps. Ramps will be chosen by ignorant able-bodied people who swear they’ll be easy to use. Ramps will gradually become steeper as athletes race to finish Uncle Randy’s “absolutely accessible” 400-meter inclined track.
Karen Hurdles
Drawing inspiration from the triathlon, this event will consist of three parts: a 100-meter dash while hooked up to an IV pole, a 200-meter dash while avoiding the hurdles of five ableist Karens and finally a 50-meter dash while avoiding the unsafe, damaged parts of the track that management has not fixed yet. (You’ve had two years, Frank; get it together). The IV must remain in the vein in order to progress, and Karens are sourced from local grocery stores.