5 New AI Devices No Disabled Person Asked For

  1. Fidget Toy that Fidgets Itself
    If you don’t want to wear out your hands, or if you are tired of getting nasty looks because of the clicking noises coming from your fidget cube, this new fidget toy fidgets by itself. It will sit next to you and look very innocuous as it moves around. Unfortunately, your sensory system won’t get the relief it needs, but at least you won’t look weird for playing with toys in public as an adult.
  2. Self-Driving Wheelchair
    If you don’t know where you’re going, you can now get a wheelchair that does! All you have to do is speak your destination into the joystick of this motorized wheelchair and you will be on your way. You can relax and take a nap while your chair does all the work, including saying “excuse me” to people standing in the middle of a curb ramp.
  3. NY Times Crossword Puzzle Solver
    Impress your friends by solving Wordle and the crossword perfectly each day, even on Saturdays! Your dyslexia will be no impediment with Spelling Bee! In mere hours, this AI fills in the answers on your device of choice. After all, it isn’t cheating when it’s AI — it’s just using the tool! (For an additional $99.99, you can also get a pen that you simply place atop the physical paper and it will fill in all the answers in the print version using your handwriting, or what was your handwriting before it degenerated due to your disease.)  
  4. The “Ma, I’m FINE”
    If your mother is constantly texting or calling you, you need the “Ma, I’m FINE” AI, which detects when your mother, father or other caregiver is texting or calling you and responds appropriately via either voice or text. It will reassure them that you definitely ate a vegetable yesterday, and you already know about Medicare open enrollment. It will also answer all their technology-related questions, like what happened to the “Masterpiece Theatre” they definitely recorded last week on the TiVo.
  5. Stain Shooter Drone
    If your wonky fine motor skills and executive functioning combine to make Picassos out of any shirt you wear, you definitely need this new AI drone. It hovers in your home and, when it detects anything spilling on your shirt, it automatically shoots out a powerful stain cleaning solution along with tiny scrub brushes that ensure your clothing is as pristine as when your PCA folded it. It is a must-have for anyone with a passion for fashion who is prone to fine motor fiascoes.

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