President Biden and Vice President Harris, whose positions on cannabis legalization have softened over time like fine cheese, have kept their campaign promise to decriminalize marijuana by asking a slew of bureaucrats to mull it over indefinitely.
Recently, the Department of Health and Human Services recommended that marijuana be reclassified from a Schedule I drug (which means a drug is wicked awesome but super dangerous) to a Schedule III (which improves my quality of life, but I can't be trusted).
A representative from the Drug Enforcement Agency, which is next in line to review the policy, spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We'll probably reschedule marijuana rather than do nothing or decriminalize it. That way, we acknowledge marijuana's medicinal properties, but we also keep our options open for imprisonment, government overreach into medical care and just the subtle joy of disrupting a good time.”
Approximately 70% of Americans think marijuana should be legalized, and 38 states, three territories and the District of Columbia have medical marijuana programs.
Still, Chip Gallows, a representative from the Biden campaign, explained the hesitation about moving too quickly on the issue. “If we decriminalize marijuana, then the president is the hero for one news cycle. But if we keep marijuana as a scheduled drug, Biden can do his whole pardoning and White-savioring business all year round, which is even better for him.”
A local man with internet access weighed in on the topic. “Sure, marijuana can help with chronic pain and spasticity, and it can even make it easier to endure Bravolebrities, but it's devil smoke. If we decriminalize it, what's next — abortion?”