Congress has saved the federal government from another shutdown. The House and Senate achieved this by relentlessly pursuing social security disability insurance (SSDI) fraud and ignoring any measures that would allow for disabled joy.
Matt Gaetz, R-Fla., who is surprisingly still in office, explained legislators' approach. “We knew these predators and con artists must be stopped at all costs! We had to prioritize fraud protection over helping disabled people. Otherwise there would be no money for corporate handouts or bitchin' parties for public servants. Basically, the disabled need to wait their turn.”
Rick Scott, R-Fla., explained that he views the two priorities as connected. “We are protecting money that will go to disabled people after they meet initial SSDI approval, provide supplemental documents for continuing approval and score over 13 wheelchairs on Teen Vogue's ‘Am I Disabled?' quiz. Trust me. I'm putting my expertise stealing money from the feds to good use as a humble public servant, but I'm running late. Could we continue this conversation on my private jet?”
The U.S. government already has the Social Security Administration, the Office of Inspector General, Disability Determination Services, law enforcement and nosy neighbors pursuing any wisp of deceit related to the modest SSDI payments disabled people receive.
But a staffer for Scott, who did not have a pulse or a decipherable sense of human decency, believes even more can be done. “Our systems are purposefully complex, but we're just getting started. We can require SSDI recipients to win a Special Olympics platinum medal, to have O positive and O negative blood types or to be an Amazon warehouse.”
When asked for comment, a disabled activist replied, “I dream of a day when elected officials are scrutinized in the same way as SSDI recipients are, but maybe that's too far-fetched. We could start small by gatekeeping other government beneficiaries — say, corporations. After all, they're people too.”