How Polite! New CDC Director Assures Public ‘Coronavirus Won’t Infect You as Long as You’re Smiling’

CDC leadership has been baffled by the trajectory of the COVID-19 pandemic, which, like that one friend passed out on your couch, just won’t leave. “Politicians have done everything from wishing COVID would go away to ignoring it, but every time someone triumphantly declares the pandemic over, there’s a new surge,” said new CDC Director Dr. Mandy Cohen while grinning emphatically, her face naked as the day she was born. 

“Regardless, I’ve been going all over the country taking maskless selfies in meetings and airports and I haven’t been infected,” Cohen went on, beaming. “Seeing our smiles really gives the virus pause! Go on with that cute li’l indoor photo shoot — Americans need to show the coronavirus we have it outnumbered.”

We asked the one guy at the CDC who was actually wearing a respirator if the agency’s research corroborated Cohen’s smile agenda, and he had this to say: “I haven’t been invited to any meetings since I pointed out that smiles do not in fact have coronavirus repelling properties unless done while also wearing a mask.” Holding up a red stapler, he sighed. “So she sent me to work in the basement.”

Being all about disability culture, we sent Cohen a follow-up to see if high-risk people should unmask too. “They can always just stay home,” she opined. “If Rapunzel could do it, anyone can! But not me; I have tickets to go see ‘Barbie.'” Then she blurted out, “Look, at least I’m not using my smile power to cheer for their deaths like my predecessor did.”

Writer’s Note: This article is satire. High-quality N95/KN95/KN94 masks work to prevent COVID spread; smiles alone do not. You don’t need the CDC to tell you to do the right thing and wear one to protect yourself and vulnerable people in your community from the current surge. 😷👊 

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