“It’s just really hard for me to talk about,” Bradley Barter, 38, said shakily. “I knew she had IBS, but I always thought it was something quirky women said to be funny and cute.” He paused before adding, “But what I saw that night wasn’t cute.”
He went on to explain that it was his six-month anniversary with his girlfriend, Betsy Sinclair, 23. They had decided to have a nice dinner, and then she would stay the night with him. “I even washed my bedsheets!” he pointed out numerous times. After a dairy-rich dinner and half of “The Wolf of Wall Street,” things went south. “She excused herself to use the bathroom and I kept watching the movie, but I heard what I thought was a burglar!” The groans of pain followed by a few loud crashes shot him off the couch to investigate.
“First the smell hit me — it was like someone brought a dead animal into my apartment! I knocked on the door to check on her, but instead of a burglar, she’d clogged the toilet! Can you believe that?! I thought it was impossible; girls don’t poop! Yet here she was, saying that she not only pooped but took a fat shit that gave my toilet PTSD. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I’m devastated, you know? Everything I believe is a lie. Is she really even a girl? Sorry, I just can’t talk about this anymore. I’ve got to take a walk and clear my head.”
The Squeaky Wheel reached out to Sinclair for comment, who had only this to say: “It wasn’t even in my top three biggest dumps.”