WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an unprecedented number of resignations and firings, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) revamped its recruitment processes to reflect the priorities of Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. The CDC now primarily evaluates applicants on the number of views on their medical advice YouTube channel.
Christopher Klomp, an HHS official, elaborated on the new standards: “More likes on a YouTube video means the science is good, because the people of this great country agree with it. Regular Americans should be telling the CDC what to believe about diseases, not the other way around.”
“The hiring overhaul was aimed at finding candidates who think outside the box,” said Klomp, “Not people who do things the way they’ve always been done. So we also go through applicants’ Reddit posts and make sure there aren’t too many lower case letters or punctuation marks.”
“Oh, and they have to downvote anything to do with Fauci,” added Klomp. “Even pictures of him. They have to hate seeing his face as much as we do.”
Other metrics the CDC is taking into account include the volume of supplements applicants have sold through multilevel marketing businesses, the number of pediatric measles cases they are personally responsible for, and the pounds of raccoon steaks in their freezer.
Klomp explained, “People hoping to work at the CDC should publish content based on proven, reliable sources.” He clarified: “No peer-reviewed studies. Self-published studies only. ‘Studies’ might actually be the wrong word. Basically, if you can picture someone screaming it at a school board while security drags them from the room, you’re on the right track.”
“I remember one YouTuber sharing a cure for Lou Gehrig’s Disease that he learned in a dream from a talking giraffe wearing a Yankees jersey,” recalled Klomp. “He’s our head of neurology now.”