‘Okay, Fine, We Get It.’ GoFundMe Scraps the Fundraising Stuff, Pivots to Healthcare

In a press release that shocked the markets, the online crowdfunding tool GoFundMe announced plans to phase out all fundraisers and start offering healthcare plans on a sliding pay scale.

“To be honest,” commented CEO Greg Long, “the site was just getting a bit boring and predictable. Every campaign was all ‘blah, blah, we can’t afford insulin or chemo or what have you.’ It’s like, ‘Okay, fine, we get it. People want affordable healthcare or whatever.’”

Long was unable to reveal details of how exactly the new platform, rumored to be named GoCureMe, will work.

However, the press release did reassure longtime donors of GoFundMe campaigns that the opportunity to buy good karma and meet your quota of good deeds to balance out your otherwise sh*tty behavior, er, to help those in need out of the pure goodness of your heart, will still be a part of the company’s core values.

“We do still value soliciting heartrending personal stories. The sadder, the better,” Long said. “But due to some outside ethical advice — and a lot of pressure on Twitter — we’re going to make it less of a popularity contest and just give everyone who posts access to medical insurance.”

The pivot really evens the playing field in what was once a competitive platform. The new winners? Able-bodied adults who no longer have to compete with tragic, inspiring disabled children to afford healthcare.

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