The horrifying line has been uttered ever since the pandemic began. As the message was gently delivered within inches of your face, you could feel its terrifying consequences hiding underneath the warm breath repeating it. Can you catch COVID through your ear? Nobody knows, but if you can, you just may have.
The sickly man continued on his rant. “One of the biggest contributors of fear is uncertainty, so you can eliminate the fear of getting sick if you just accept the absolute 100% certainty of catching a virus that has killed over five million people across globe.” The nihilistic man coughed through his words, seeming to need both throat lozenges and healthier coping mechanisms.
This line ranks up there as one of the scariest claims, along with “it’s only dangerous for the elderly and disabled” and “these lifesaving medical appointments must be booked through a government web portal.”
Fortunately, doctors across the internet unanimously agree about the best practices for treating the virus. Twitter user ThatDoctorGuy47 posted, “COVID symptoms are like Taco Bell sauces. Most people get mild, and some people get medium. It’s only immunocompromised people and old folks who get those nasty, nasty Diablo symptoms, so you probably don’t need to worry about that. Just enjoy your Crunchwraps and move on.”
Local men and doctors aren’t the only ones voicing their desire for a return to normalcy. Entertainment Cinemas executive Bill Maxing shared similar feelings with us.
“We can’t just never go to the movies. Going to the movies is in our instincts, it’s in our DNA. In fact, I would even say that the unrest in this country is largely a symptom of liquid butter sauce withdrawal. You need to give the people what they want, and that’s a simulated roller coaster video where gigantic soda cups and popcorns explode on a massive projector screen.”
After a few minutes of choking on his own thick mucus, he continued further. “I’m not saying don’t be cautious. I’m saying wear a mask for 40 seconds while you walk to your seat, and then take it off for two hours while you eat Trolli gummy worms. If your mouth is full of our premium snacks and beverages, there’s no room for that pesky novel virus to sneak in. It’s science.”
For our anxious readers, you can find temporary peace of mind by taking an at-home COVID test. These convenient tests give correct results sometimes, and they can be purchased on Tuesdays at any pharmacy in the greater North Dakota region. They also may be found in five lucky Wonka Bar wrappers.