The fight for nationwide accessibility has been a long one, but a recent push has been met with much debate. Namely, if we meet disabled people’s needs, what’s to stop us from meeting everyone’s? We met with Jared Effluent, writer for The Daily Mauler, in the lounge of the illustrious Schittz-Carlton Hotel. Through his column “Dispatches from the Culture War,” Jared unflinchingly shares his opinions on other people’s opinions, and he is eager to put all this fuss over accessibility to rest.
“It’s easy to say accessibility would be nice, but are we prepared for the consequences of basic human dignity?” he asks, rolling his martini around in its glass. “Providing disabled people access could prove a slippery slope that affects us all. First you’re installing ramps in all public buildings; next thing you know you’re housing the homeless, and who really wants that? Imagine the sort of dystopia we’d be living in if we provided healthcare, housing, water, power, transport and education, free at the point of use. It would be what it sounds like. A nightmare. A waking nightmare.”
When asked what his vision of a modern American infrastructure would actually look like, he almost choked on the olive in his glass. With the energy of a man who’s just thought about something for three seconds and thinks he’s come to some interesting conclusions, he answers.
“A disabled person’s interaction with infrastructure should be the same as everyone’s interaction with, say, the DMV. It’s vitally necessary in our daily lives, should be easy, but ends up being unfathomably dehumanizing and shockingly inefficient. That’s the American way. We can’t just give help to anyone who asks for it. That’s nothing like the American way!”
When we asked how he’d have gotten to the interview without his chauffeur (considering his most recent DUI), Mr. Effluent gasped so hard he inhaled his martini olive and did actually begin to choke this time. He requested our assistance with the Heimlich maneuver, but we had to respectfully decline. We can’t just give help to anyone who asks for it, apparently.